Give me an Update

Oh Facebook. 

I have such a love/hate relationship with you.  To follow up on my last post, I want to reiterate that I do believe that Facebook is incredibly revolutionary.  For someone who did not even have email when I started college, I can see how much it has opened up new avenues of communication and made it so much easier to keep up with people.

However.

Over the past 4+ years that I've been on FB, I've noticed some trends in status updates.  Sometimes disturbing but always common, I think the time has come for me to create a  Top 10 list of the most popular status updates in my little world (in no particular order). 

The quoter/lyricist

Examples: 
Some people call it a one night stand, but we can call it paradise
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing that's ever been mine!
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. ~Mark Twain

[By the way, that first one is a Duran Duran lyric.  Personally, I think it's a great line but probably not one I would choose to use as a status update.]

This Facebooker relies on poets, philosophers, singers and even rappers (guilty!) for the majority of their status updates. The good thing about quotes is that they can convey pretty much any emotion.  Feeling silly yet pensive? Quote Dr. Seuss.  Feeling emo? Sylvia Plath or any 90's grunger will do the trick.  Just be careful that you're not OVER sharing (see Example #1).

The horrified parent

Ex:  Can't believe I overheard my daughter singing about being so hot "we'll melt your popsicle!" Thanks a lot, Katy Perry!

Ummm...might I remind you that when we were your daughter's age we were singing about being like a virgin touched for the very first time, pushing it "real good," and singing along to this gem: "my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon." 

Relax (don't do it), your daughter will be fine.

The one who works out more than you do

Ex:
10 mile run and 25 mile ride this morning!  Now time for some granola and bananas!
March 25 at 7:03am via iPhone

I get it.  You work out. A lot. More than the rest of us. I was already feeling kind of lazy, now I feel like a slob.


The one who doesn't realize the difference between a status update and writing on someone's wall

Ex: Hey girl! Thanks for the call! Stop by after you pick up Eddie from school...or should I just meet you at the park at 3? Can't wait to see you!

This one always cracks me up.  It makes me laugh even more when people call them out by commenting on it in response.  I laugh at it so much that I am afraid that I'll do it by accident one of these days.  That'll show me.


The hater/political inciter

Examples: 
F the Dookies!!! Who cares if my bracket is busted now that Duke is GOONNEE baby!
Want to know why you're still unemployed? Blame [insert politician name here].

OK maybe I'm taking that first one a little personally, but I never understand people who spend their FB time and energy being such haters.  How about a little positivity?  How about cheering FOR a team instead of AGAINST one?  How about not trying to incite a FB "war of comments"?  Can't we all just get along?

The cryptic updater

Ex: Well, I wasn't expecting THAT! Could really use some positive vibes and prayers right now!!

WHAT? What's going on? Are you dying? Is someone in your family dying? Did you fail a test? Are you pregnant? Are you stuck in your car in a ditch with your legs pinned but your thumbs free for updating your Facebook status?! WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!

...but then of course there's the opposite end of the spectrum...

The TMI updater

Ex: Phew! Finally passed that stone!  Now if only little Johnny Jr. wasn't constipated and little Sally didn't have explosive diarrhea we would all be healthy!

No one needs to know any of this. Any. of. this.

The complainer

Examples...all the same person, posted one hour apart: 
UGH! I am going to kill my boss!
Is it 5 yet?
If my cube mate doesn't STFU I will stab him in the eye with my mechanical pencil.

People, if your job is really THAT BAD that you feel the need to barrage your friends' newsfeeds with your hourly complaints then it may be the time to look for something new. And do you want to be known as the person who always seems ungrateful and complains on Facebook?  Or worse, do you want to be that person that everyone HIDES? Didn't think so.  Take it down a notch.

of course, the direct opposite of this is...

The one who's kid/life is WAAAYYY better than yours

Examples: 
My amazing husband just made me a delicious dinner and is giving me a foot rub while we watch "The Notebook."  Sigh. Life is good!
Joey just brought home his report card! Straight A's again!

Personally, I think these are pretty cute but sometimes they can go a little far. Just make sure it's not ALL you're writing about.  I have friends who get a little skeptical when people do nothing but these because no one's life is THAT perfect. Right?


And finally, this one is truly my favorite simply because they are usually the most hilarious:

The one who won't status update unless they are drunk, on vacation, or both

No examples for this one because you know exactly who they are.  In fact, you wish they updated more often because they are usually the most entertaining.  They update about once or twice a year but when they do, they write about 5-10 updates all on the same 24-48 hour time span.

So there you have it! Now, who are YOUR favorite updaters??

[Note: **Most** of these examples are made up. Sadly, not all of them are.  Therefore, photos aren't posted so as not to attach anyone to these by association.]