The heart of it all

I had a blog post all set to go about New Year's Resolutions (and my inability to keep the one that I really tried to keep this year - blogging more often).  It was, in my opinion, somewhat funny, something people could find commonality in, but overall, something that I hoped would entertain.  The problem is that it was taking me WAY too long to finish.  I started it the week after New Year's Day and I kept abandoning it and coming back. I couldn't really get it just right, and it was really bothering me.

Then it hit me. I realized that I was having such a hard time with it because I have been getting away from the reason that I started this blog.



I think I've been putting too much pressure on myself to be an entertainer.  I was feeling like a lot of my recent posts had been pretty heavy, and between the desire to liven things back up and (truly) a lack of topics to cover, my choices seemed uninspired.

But I was feeling kind of reflective today and all of a sudden it was really clear.  I started this blog as an outlet....

To give my observations of the world around me...to someone other than ProMo.
To share funny stories from class or just living in a college town.
To detail my reactions to trips "home" to DC or to Vegas.

And that was great at first, but soon I realized that I needed some kind of a filter because I was starting to blog about more than just myself. Regardless of what aliases I give people, they - and I - may want a little more privacy.  THEY didn't sign up for being on a blog just because they're my friends or family.  So I started to take a little more pause before blogging. Rather than mindlessly writing a post and making it go live like I had done before, I carefully considered who would be affected and the potential outcomes.

And suddenly my "outlet" became something more stilted than funny. More serious than silly. And based on offhand comments here and there, I gathered that it wasn't necessarily what people were looking for in my blog.  It seemed that they wanted an outlet too...whether it was some light reading to break up the day or something to laugh about with me. I don't mean to say that the pressure I felt was entirely the "fault" of my awesome friends and readers; on the contrary, I probably put way more pressure on myself than any of them could put on me. 

So the blog semi-silence comes from a few places: (1) a concerted effort to try to balance the serious with the funny, (2) a dearth of "funny" going on in life right now, and as a result (3), a lack of things to write about.

Now by that I don't mean to imply that there aren't a ton of different things swirling around in my mind.  For example, here's just a sampling of my stream of consciousness when walking around campus today:

1. Why aren't there more places for a non-student, non-parent adult to go out in the 'burg? Why is that so hard?
2. Why am I considered a snob if I complain about said lack of places?
3. Where is the line between being a strong personality who doesn't settle and one who is being bossy, bitchy and selfish?
4. And for that matter, why do we have an opinion of others' lives no matter how much we try not to?
5. For example, why am I sad that Seal and Heidi are divorcing but completely judgmental about Kim and Kris and Kobe and Vanessa?  I don't know these people. What do I care?
6. And it's not just limited to celebrities, why do I have opinions about my friends' lives but I get shocked when they have opinions about mine?
7. Why do I let other people's opinions about my life bother me so much and how can I effectively act like I'm not shaken by it?
   
   etc. etc. etc.

So as you can see, my mind bounces around between the absurd and the legitimate. :)

But all of this is to say that I've changed my "new year's resolution" from blogging more often (and by design, probably producing some lackluster posts) to getting back to the heart of this blog.  Quality over quantity.  Stop worrying so much about what everyone is thinking and just put myself out there.

In the age of TMI, isn't that what blogs are for?